Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. - Benjamin Disraeli.Plain Truth
It had been two weeks since their 'date'. Two weeks since that kiss. Two weeks of trying to avoid the other. At first, the guys played it off as a 'girl thing', but when they noticed how the other would purposely ignore or avoid the other, that's when they really started noticing.
Elliot noticed the dark circles under Olivia's eyes. She was moving a lot slower that her normal gracefulness and she always looked exhausted. John, Fin and Elliot all noticed how Alex would pale whenever she saw Olivia in the room. It was like something out of the
Twilight Zone.
Everyone was tired of walking on eggshells around them. Not having the patience to put it off any longer, Elliot threw down his pen. He knew he had to step in when Alex practically ran out of the squad room, almost in tears, as Olivia tore into their ADA.
Getting up and pulling Olivia to her feet, he dragged her into an empty interrogation room. Not liking being man handled, Olivia yanked her arm out of her partner's grasp.
"What the hell is the matter with you!?" She rubbed her arm where Elliot held her.
Elliot was red faced. He paced the room with his hands on his hips, calming himself down. Taking a breath, he stopped two feet away from Olivia.
"What's the matter with
me?" He growled. "I should be asking you that!"
"ME! What the hell did I do?"
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe ripping apart our ADA doesn't seem to warrant an explanation?!"
Eyes wide, Olivia prepared for battle.
"You know damn well! You were there Elliot! She practically told us that we just screwed ourselves and
her case!
HER CASE!! We worked our tails off on this, and she has the nerve to tell me it's
her case!"
Elliot moved so his face was just inches from Olivia's and did his best to tamp down his temper.
"So verbally attacking our ADA doesn't seem to bother you one bit?"
"Screw you! You've done it so many times; I'm surprised she hasn't filed a lawsuit against you!"
Elliot pulled back. His face still red, he just shook his head.
"I'm an ass, Olivia. She knows that, you know that, hell! My wife knows that! But you went to far just now! She's your
friend, Olivia! She didn't need that, especially from you!"
Friend.Olivia paled when she heard Elliot use that word. Alex was a good friend and she had crossed a line that was never meant to be crossed.
"What's wrong, Liv?" Elliot asked softly when he had seen his partner turn ghostly white. He knew he hit the problem right on the head.
Shaking her head, Olivia refused to talk. Sighing, Elliot ran a hand through his thinning hair.
"You know, I love you like a sister, but sometimes I just wanna knock you over the head. Damn it you're stubborn." Elliot said with a chuckle. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at Olivia tiredly.
"If you're not going to talk to me, then you need to talk to Alex." He held his hand up to stop Olivia from arguing. "Apologize to her, then. She deserves that, maybe more. Especially from you." He turned and left the room, leaving Olivia standing there alone.
Sighing, Olivia leaned against the metal table. She knew that Elliot was right. She had attacked their ADA for no reason. That wasn't like her to do that to anyone, especially to Alex.
But what the hell was she supposed to say to her? How was she supposed to explain for running out like that? How is she supposed to explain how she's feeling? Olivia didn't have the answers to that and Elliot wanted her to talk to Alex.
Well, you could always start with an apology, Olivia thought sarcastically. Sighing, she knew she was going to have to face Alex soon. Olivia knew exactly how she was going to apologize. She smiled as she thought about it.
******
Alex slammed her office door shut. Those in the hallways, jumped at the sound. She threw her attaché onto the sofa that was in her office and stormed deeper into the room.
She sat at the table that was farthest from the door and away from prying eyes. She put her head into her hands and cried.
Alex had an ass chewing from Jack McCoy, then from Donnelly about the way her detectives handled a search warrant that morning and how losing this case would leave a black mark on Alex's career as well as the squad. Alex had intended to speak with Benson and Stabler about it, explaining why the evidence they had found was being thrown out.
Instead, she was met with angry eyes and worse, Olivia had ripped her to shreds; verbally accosting her. She was used to that coming from Elliot, but not from her. Never had she experienced pain like that.
Alex just stood in utter shock as Olivia spat out hurtful words. Alex knew that the detective was frustrated and tired. The entire investigation was taking a toll on all of them.
When Olivia was finished with her rant and turned her back on her, Alex swallowed the bile that had risen in her throat, spun on her heal and walked away quietly. The entire floor probably heard every word Olivia screamed at her. Alex was pretty sure that the gossip and rumours would soon start.
Alex just couldn't get a handle on things any more. Every time she tried, she'd end up being the preverbal whipping boy. The old Alex would have given Olivia a lashing of her own, but that part of her was gone. All that was left was a hollow version of Alex.
Alex didn't know how long she had been sitting there crying. She lifted her head and realized it had gotten dark outside. Alex pushed herself up from the table and tiredly made her way to her desk. She got started on the necessary paper work that would give her detectives a fresh start on a new warrant.
She prayed that this one wouldn't get thrown out.
******
It was almost 10:30 pm when Olivia walked down the empty hall. She had actually left work early and paced her apartment for hours, waiting for the right moment to apologize. As the hours ticked by, the more nervous Olivia became.
Then at 8:45pm Olivia made up her mind.
"Ah, screw it!" She grumbled and grabbed her jacket. She flew to the bistro that Alex loved and grabbed her favourite sandwich. She had walked around the block a few times trying to calm herself. Soon it had gotten dark and she hadn't seen Alex come out.
Mustering up all the courage she could find, Olivia climbed the court steps and flashed her badge at the security guard and made her way to Alex's office. Olivia just stood and watched her from the outside.
Alex had her head down reading file after file. She had a dozen or so text books scattered around her. Every so often Alex would pinch the bridge of her nose and Olivia noticed for the first time how vulnerable Alex was.
She felt guilt eat at her as she stood and watched Alex work so hard. Elliot had been right, and Olivia felt like a heel for the things she had said.
Inhaling, Olivia lightly tapped on the glass before she quickly turned the door knob and let herself in. She noticed instantly the weary, guarded look on Alex's face. She also noticed how red Alex's eyes were, as if she had been crying.
"If you're here to give me another tongue lashing, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Alex said quietly. Olivia noticed her voice was thick with emotions.
Shaking her head, and raising a hand, Olivia tried her attempt at humour.
"No, no, no tongue lashing. I come in peace, actually." She gave Alex a crooked smile. Alex just looked up tiredly and nodded then went back to reading her files.
Okay, then, Olivia thought. She sat down and waited until Alex looked up at her again. This time, Alex's expression was of annoyance.
"Is there something you wanted
detective?"
Before Olivia could reply, Alex's phone rang. Sighing, Alex rubbed her forehead as she reached for the phone.
"Alexandra Cab-," she was cut off by the caller. Olivia did her best to no eavesdrop but it was difficult not to. The caller on the other line was upset and was yelling over the phone.
"I know Jack, I'm working on-," Alex was again cut off. She looked beaten down, and Alex had to close her eyes as Jack McCoy berated her over the phone.
"I understand. They have never let me down." Alex paused a moment as Jack begun another tirade. "Benson and Stabler's track record speaks for themselves. I have the utmost faith in them."
Alex pinched the bridge of her nose as she just closed her eyes.
"Thank you Jack. I do appreciate it. Good-," Alex heard the dial tone before she got the last word out. She sat there staring at the phone in her hand, "night." She placed the phone back on it's cradle softly.
Alex sighed and remembered that Olivia was there.
"Sorry, was there something you needed?" She asked tiredly. Olivia noticed that there were circles under her eyes.
"When was the last time you slept?"
That wasn't exactly how Olivia wanted to start, but at least it was out there.
Alex just raised a delicate eyebrow at her.
"I don't see where that is any of your concern,
detective," Alex said coldly. Olivia sighed.
She isn't going to make this easy for me."I deserve that, I know. But you've been working yourself too hard," Olivia said gently. She didn't want to provoke Alex into an argument.
Alex glared at her. "Well, I wouldn't be working so damn much if you and your partner just followed the damn warrant I gave you. I even had to stand there while you verbally attacked my character. Now I have to clean up you crap on top of that. I don't
think so, Benson!"
"I'm sorry," she said quietly. Olivia didn't know what else to say. It was all true; they had screwed up royally and Olivia was blaming Alex for their mistakes.
As if she had run out of steam, Alex simply nodded and slumped in her chair. She rubbed her temples and closed her eyes. She didn't hear Olivia come around her desk because the next thing she felt were Olivia's hands on her shoulder's and neck.
The warmth radiating from those hands and the light pressure from those fingers were doing wonderful things to Alex.
"Try and relax, Alex." Olivia's voice was the only thing that could be heard. Alex relaxed visibly and she was having a hard time staying upright.
"Lean on me," Olivia said softly. Olivia gently worked her fingers over Alex's shoulders until she felt them relax under her touch. She worked her way to Alex's neck and did the same then moved back to her shoulders.
Alex moaned softly and reached up to stop Olivia from turning her in to mush. She heard Olivia chuckle softly.
"Feeling better?" Olivia asked softly as she lightly pressed her lips on top of Alex's head. She felt Alex nod. "Good," with one final squeeze, Olivia regretfully removed her hands and slid back into the seat in front of Alex's desk.
It took a moment for Alex to regain any of her verbal skills. Her brain was another matter. She opened her eyes to see Olivia smiling gently at her.
"Thank you detective. That was probably the best apology I've ever had." Olivia smile turned into a rugged grin.
"I'll keep that in mind, Alex."
They both smiled softly at each other. Alex remembered that Olivia didn't say why she was here in the first place.
"Did you need anything, Olivia?" Alex asked gently. Olivia was relived when Alex hadn't called her
detective or
Benson. That was always a good sign.
"I, uh, I came to apologize," she said awkwardly. She shifted in her seat as Alex's gaze never left hers.
Alex seemed to understand what Olivia was apologizing for. Nodding, Alex didn't want to drag this out any longer.
Alex waved off the apology she knew was coming. "You don't have to apologize for that. I understand. It's probably for the best anyways," she said sadly.
Olivia studied the blonde woman before her. Olivia felt, as always, a stirring inside of her as she gazed at her. It was as if that kiss they had shared opened Olivia up and for the first time in a very long time, Olivia knew what it was to feel.
Swallowing the emotions that were running wild inside of her, Olivia took a breath before she answered.
"I don't think you do."
Alex just shook her head, "Olivia, I do. And I'm the one that needs to apologize. I could have stopped you before we-"
"No. Please don't apologize for that. I need to…explain why I reacted the way I did. At least try to," Olivia begged quietly. It was Alex's turn to study the brunette in front of her. Slowly she nodded.
Now that Olivia had the chance to explain, she had no idea where to start. Running a hand through her hair, Olivia blew out a nervous breath. Alex saw this was hard for the detective and decided to let Liv off the hook.
"I can see that this is hard for you. Look, you've already apologized, that's enough for me," she said quietly. Olivia just shook her head.
"You should never settle, Alex. Isn't that what they taught you in law school?" Olivia said with a grin. Alex knew when she had been had. She smiled softly at Olivia and nodded.
They fell silent once again. Alex waited patiently for Olivia to continue. Olivia felt herself blush under Alex's undivided attention and had to look away.
"It's just all so confusing," Olivia explained. She saw the look on Alex's face and quickly added, "I mean, not in that way that you think. I knew what I was doing when I kissed you!"
Alex looked a little confused. "Um, ok. You've just lost me."
Olivia smiled ruefully. "Sorry. What I meant to say was that I knew exactly what I was getting into when I kissed you. There was no confusion involved with that."
Alex was quiet for a moment, processing what Olivia was telling her.
"So what was it you were confused about?" Alex asked quietly.
Olivia scrambled to find the right words to say. Olivia chose her words carefully as she spoke.
"I've known for a while that I was attracted to women and that doesn't bother me. I'm fine with that part."
"So what part are you bothered by?"
Shrugging, Olivia did her best to explain where she was coming from. "It never crossed my mind to ever act on my attractions. Although I've had a few propositions, I never felt compelled to act on them."
Nodding, Alex slowly understood Olivia's position.
"So what you're saying is that there was no one that interested you? Not once?"
Olivia nodded, "yeah. That pretty much sums it up." Olivia was nervous as hell. She was clasping and unclasping her hands. She was never this nervous about anything.
Alex seemed to consider this. She took off her glasses and sat back in her chair. She had to know about that night. Why Olivia kissed her.
"So that night when you kissed me, what was that about?"
Olivia looked down at her hands and closed her eyes. She had been replaying that moment over and over again. She didn't know if she were trying to torture herself or relieve what it was like to be kissed by an angel.
"Olivia?"
Olivia swallowed and took a breath. She was struggling to find the words to say it right.
"I just...I wanted...I needed to feel again."
Alex just sat quietly taking it all in. She was dizzy from that simple admission. But she needed to hear more. She needed to hear the rest.
"Why?" Alex whispered.
"Because…you made me feel. You've always done that for me."
Alex reminded herself to breath as she asked, "then why did you run?"
Olivia looked Alex in the eye, and with out flinching she replied softly.
"You scare me."
They sat quietly, staring at each other. Neither moved, too afraid that they would shatter.
You scare me...Olivia's voice played over and over again in Alex's head. She shook her head, not believing it.
"I scare you? That's impossible," Alex said with a disbelieving laugh. She couldn't believe it. Her brave, strong, compassionate detective was afraid of
her.
Nodding, Olivia smiled tenderly. "It's true." Alex could see that the other woman was serious. Alex felt butterflies doing some fancy dancing in her stomach. She was having a hard time wrapping her head around that.
Alex had to look away from those eyes. It was too much for her. Her head snapped up when she felt Olivia take a hand in hers and gently tugged at it until Alex stood. Olivia motioned for Alex to follow her with Olivia guiding them farther into the office. They stopped in just in front of the window.
"Olivia I-," Alex was silenced with a kiss. It wasn't like the kiss from their 'date'; instead it was the kind of kiss that melted you from the inside out making your knees weak.
Olivia had cupped Alex's face with her soft hands while Alex had to hold on to Olivia's forearms to keep from falling. It only lasted a moment but it did the job. They were breathing heavily when they broke apart with Olivia resting her forehead against Alex's.
"Sorry. I just couldn't let you finish that without knowing what it's like for me," Olivia said raggedly. She caressed Alex's soft cheeks with her thumbs before she let go. Alex's bit the inside of her lips to keep from moaning at the loss of those hands.
Alex could only nod; her speech vanishing for the moment. Clearing her throat, Alex straightened out her suit before she took a step back from Olivia. Alex took a moment to stare at Olivia's profile as the brunette stared out the window.
Alex had never seen a more beautiful sight. She was strong, tough, brave, kind, and compassionate. And on a good day she was your typical brooding detective.
"I don't brood."
"Sorry?" Alex was confused.
"You called me 'your brooding detective' a second ago," Olivia tilted her head a fraction and the moonlight hit her face causing Alex's knees to almost buckle. She reached out and held onto the back of one of the chairs.
Alex felt her cheeks flare up. She didn't realize she had spoken out loud. Clearing her throat, Alex scrambled for a smart comeback. Unfortunately she couldn't think of one.
"Well, I...I," Alex stuttered. Olivia just grinned at how flustered Alex was.
Olivia sighed and held a hand up for Alex to stop.
"What was it you wanted to tell me?" Olivia asked softly, getting back to the matter at hand. Alex nodded but still didn't say anything.
"Why is it impossible for me to be scared of you?"
Alex felt strong enough to take the few steps to the window, joining Olivia there. They both stared out the window at nothing in particular.
"You have no idea of the effect you have on people, do you?" Alex asked softly. She felt Olivia's eyes on her but Alex refused to meet her gaze. Instead, Alex continued to gaze out the window. It was safer this way; she'd forget what she was supposed to do whenever she looked into Olivia's dark eyes.
Olivia stood motionless.
What on earth is she talking about? This time it was Olivia's turn to shake her head.
"I've got mirrors at home. I don't see anything appealing about me," Olivia replied. She saw Alex close her eyes and give her head a shake. She had a ghost of a smile on her face.
"Typical," she whispered. Alex crossed her arms and squared her shoulders before finally turning to face Olivia.
"You're an enigma to the people that want to get to know you. But you make yourself reachable to those that need you with out giving away everything. And I can count on one finger the only person that has more access then most to who you really are," Alex spoke softly. She could see Olivia struggling with what she was saying.
"You honestly don't know how much you effect people?"
Olivia was having a hard time breathing. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and shook her head. She tried to speak but words failed her. She saw Alex smile gently.
"You're a mystery Olivia. You never let anyone too close, yet you draw the attention of those around you. People want to know what makes you the way you are. Why you do the things you do."
Olivia was clearly getting uncomfortable by what Alex was saying. Shoving a hand through her hair she laughed embarrassingly at the praise.
"God Alex! You're making sound like a-."
"A Hero? A fantasy? Yes, maybe I am. But it is true." Alex said with all seriousness. Olivia felt her cheeks burn. Olivia was not accustomed to hearing such things.
"Oh come on Alex! I'm not much to look at. I go to work and do my job. That's it. No fairy tales or make believe about that," Olivia said a little defensively. She was stating to feel uneasy by everything.
"You know how pathetic that sounds? Liv, you wake up knowing full well that that very morning might be your last. You go to work thinking that could be the last time you'll be walking through those doors. Normal people would find that terrifying. You don't. You wake up and you do it, no questions asked. That's what separates you from other people."
Olivia didn't like how this was turning out. Alex could see Olivia on the defensive.
"Liv you may not see or even notice it, but you are a fantasy to people. Men want you because you're a puzzle to them. They can't figure you out. You get more attention from the fairer sex then they do, and that intrigues them – they want to know your secret. Why women are so drawn to you.
"Women want you because you
don't treat them like the 'fairer sex'. You make them feel safe and vulnerable without having them to compromise a thing – not their pride or their dignity."
Alex was closing the distance between them; Olivia was mesmerized by the blue of Alex's eyes. She couldn't stop Alex, even if she tried.
"You know how to care for victims; you know how to keep the survivors strong. You can get them to trust you, and with that, they get a part of what was taken from them. Don't you see? That's why I'm having a hard time with the whole
'you scare me' thing."
By now, they were so close that if either one wanted, all they had to do was lean in slightly and take what they wanted. But they held back, breathing hard.
"
You scare me Olivia Benson," Alex whispered. Olivia raised an eyebrow.
"Two can play this game, Alex." Olivia said slowly. Alex was now the one feeling uncomfortable.
"What are you talking about?" The blonde said cautiously.
"You think you can pretend long enough not to feel a thing?"
Alex's brow's creased. She didn't like the look that was in Olivia's eyes.
"
Ice Princess. Nothing but ice inside you, is that it? Is that why you can't feel a thing?" Olivia said it as if she were talking to a perp. Alex didn't like to be spoken to that way.
"I don't know what your game is, but I suggest you knock it-"
"Alexandra Cabot. Ice Princess. Doesn't need or feel anything. Is that it? Does it make it easier for you to sleep at night knowing that nothing can touch you?"
All blood rushed from Alex's face. She had never felt the urge to hit anyone in her life, but that was soon going to be changed if Olivia didn't stop.
"I suggest you back up what ever game it is you're playing,
detective. And don't you
dare assume that I don't
feel a thing." Alex had never felt anger or pain like this before. Her face was flushed with emotions, emotions she'd rather not delve into with Olivia standing so close.
"Oh, I don't think so, counselor. You walk around as if nothing can touch you. But I know different, Alexandra," Olivia said softly. Alex had taken a few steps back, but Olivia matched her step for step. Alex found her self stuck between the bookcase that was behind her and Olivia.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Again, Olivia just raised a delicate eyebrow. Olivia stared at her for a moment.
"Okay, then. Cheryl Avery."
Alex felt sick. She remembered the poor girl, of how she convinced a jury to find her guilty. Alex was disgusted when she found out that Cheryl would be sent to a male prison, she tried to clear her conscience by getting a judge to transport her to an all female prison. In the end, Cheryl was again brutalized and it was
all her fault.
Closing her eyes at the nausea she felt coming, she shook her head. Alex remembered not being able to sleep for weeks after that. She couldn't look at herself in the mirror knowing that she had a hand in what happened to Cheryl.
"Stop," she whispered.
Olivia either didn't hear her or didn't care. She just continued as if nothing happened.
"And what about Sam Cavanaugh?" She asked quietly. Alex had to make her stop, she placed trembling hands on Olivia's chest to push her away, but she found that she didn't have the strength to do that.
Sam Cavanaugh was a defenseless young boy, being used like an old rag by a man Sam trusted. Alex had pushed him too far, causing the boy to commit suicide. Alex went above and beyond for this young man. She had tried so hard to get the man that had hurt Sam and in the end, Sam had paid the price in full. To this day, his mother still despises her for what Alex had done. And to this very day, Alex could not forgive herself for taking away the life that was once Sam Cavanaugh.
"Have you been able to sleep with out seeing their faces? Or do you just go to sleep thinking about the next win?" Olivia asked gently. She was watching every emotion play out on Alex's face.
"Stop." Alex begged softly. She wasn't sure how much more she could handle.
"You didn't trust us enough to have your back. Are that much of an Ice Princess that you can't even trust the officers that work for you? You put our careers on the line; you put
your career on the line. Was it worth getting a month's suspension? Was it all worth Sam's life?"
Alex was cracking. She found what little strength she had and gave small shove, her hands still shaking.
"Stop,
please stop," Alex begged raggedly. She had tears in her eyes and she didn't bother to wipe them away. She just had to get Olivia to stop.
Olivia could see that she finally got through and felt guilty for doing what she did. She slowly wrapped her arms around Alex's trembling form and let her cry.
After a moment, Alex raised her head and gave Olivia a shove. She wiped her tears away and straightened herself and looked directly at Olivia.
"Why are you doing this? What are you trying to prove?" Her voice was raw with emotions. She couldn't believe that Olivia was doing this to her.
"You can't save them all, Alex. You have to let them go," Olivia said softly. She watched as Alex looked away.
"You blame yourself. For the cases you don't win, you blame yourself," Olivia continued gently. She knew she had touched on something when she saw Alex stiffen.
"Of course I do! I'm the last line of defense when your jobs are done! When I win, no one cares. You get the credit. But when I lose, the responsibility falls on
my shoulders." Alex had moved away from Olivia, pacing the small area.
Alex stopped and jabbed her chest with a finger. "I'm the one the families and the victims blame! I'm the one that has to live with the knowledge that I could have done
better. You have no idea what it's like to live with that guilt every single day!"
Olivia had no idea. She just assumed everything just slid off of the attorneys back. She stood back quietly, listening for the first time.
"You all think I don't feel anything. Well what the hell do you expect, Olivia?! I get crapped on from the higher ups, then I get it from you, and then I get it from the media. I get it from all sides! I have to look the victims in the eye every day; I'm the one that has to tell them that I wasn't good enough to win.
"I'm the one that has to tell them that their rapist, their abuser, their attacker gets to walk free and live their life while they have to live in fear because of me. So excuse me for trying to get through all that without falling apart! So yes! Call me the Ice Princes! Call me whatever you want! If it can get me through just one more day through hell, then so be it!"
Alex had stopped yelling. She was breathing heavily as if she had just run through a nightmare; her face pale from exposing herself so openly. She felt tears slide down her cheeks and she turned away from Olivia, wiping them away frantically.
Olivia stood in silent shook. She had no idea that it had affected Alex so deeply. Olivia didn't realize the repercussions of what Alex went through once they were done investigating. Feeling ashamed at having been so thoughtless, Olivia took a step slowly towards Alex.
"I'm sorry. I didn't realize what it did to you, I'm sorry," Olivia said softly. She was now standing closer to Alex's back. She reached out slowly, not wanting to scare Alex, and placed a gentle hand on her upper arm. Olivia felt Alex stiffen from her touch and was prepared for Alex to pull away.
Olivia was relieved when Alex didn't pull away. "I didn't mean for it to get this far, Alex," Olivia said lamely. It was a lousy excuse. Olivia was surprised when Alex turned to face her, tears still falling.
"What the hell were you trying to prove?" Alex said with hurt laced words. Olivia wanted to kick herself for doing it.
"You walk around as if nothing ever bothers you. I just wanted to take you down a notch, make you see that you were just as human as the rest of us. I didn't mean for it to get so out of control."
Fire flashed in Alex's blue eyes.
"Well you did an
excellent job detective. I'm pretty sure Elliot and the rest of them will be happy to hear that you took down the Ice Princess all on your own. Job well done," Alex spat out sarcastically.
She was about to turn away again when Olivia grabbed her arm and spun her around, gripping Alex's arms tight. Olivia saw surprise in Alex's eyes.
"Stop calling yourself that, damn it! I have never thought of you like that. EVER!" Olivia was frustrated as hell as she let go of Alex.
"Just once I want you to need someone! I wish you needed me!" Olivia didn't know what else to do so she turned and stormed towards the door but stopped half way there when she heard Alex's soft voice.
"I did need you."
Olivia turned her head sharply at Alex. She was still standing where Olivia had left her, but this time, Alex looked so small and vulnerable.
"The first year I was in the program, I needed you then. I missed your face. I missed your voice. I missed the sound of you laughter. I missed your smell; I even missed your stubbornness. It was all I could do from going crazy."
Olivia slowly made her way back to where Alex was.
"Then one night I woke up shaking. I didn't understand why. When I tried to go back to sleep, I couldn't remember you face. I couldn't remember how you looked like, I tried, but I couldn't remember your smell. Where were you then? I needed you then, and you weren't there."
Alex was sobbing. Olivia wrapped her arms around her and held her tight as she cried. Olivia couldn't imagine not having the people she loved around her. The fact that Alex went through it alone amazed her.
Alex seemed to regain some of her composure after a moment. She was about to pull away when Olivia shook her head and continued to just hold her.
"I'm sorry," Olivia said sincerely. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."
Alex thought she would cry all over again when she looked into Olivia's eyes. Instead she rested her head against Olivia's strong shoulder. She felt Olivia's hands running up and down her back, soothing away the stress she was feeling.
"I missed you so much Alex," Olivia whispered. Alex heard tears in Olivia's voice and raised her head. And true to form, Olivia had tears. Alex rested her forehead against Olivia's as she nodded.
"I missed you too, Liv. So much." Alex said as she wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist. They stood like that for endless minutes.
"I liked kissing you a lot," Olivia said shyly. Alex smiled.
"I liked it too."
Olivia raised her eyes to meet Alex's. They smiled as Alex nodded slightly. Swallowing her nervousness, Olivia licked her lips then leaned forward just as Alex did the same.
At first it was a soft, shy almost innocent kiss. Alex loved the texture of Olivia's lips; she couldn't help nipping at them for a moment. Olivia moaned softly, she was feeling drunk with each nip. She parted her lips slightly and Alex took the invitation. Slipping a tongue inside, Alex was greeted warmly by Olivia's eager tongue.
Both women held on tightly to each other as they brushed their tongues together. Olivia felt Alex's hands in her hair and thought she would pass out as Alex scrapped her nails over her scalp. Soon lack of air was getting in the way. Breaking apart but grinning wildly, the two took a moment to catch their breath.
Olivia was about to give Alex a sly remark when she felt her stomach rumble. Alex broke into a fit of giggles. Olivia looked sheepishly down at her stomach then looked back up at Alex.
"Sorry," she said with a shrug. Alex was about to give Olivia a playful kiss when Olivia held up a finger. "Hold on for one second." Alex nodded as she watched reached over to the table behind her with out breaking contact.
Olivia grabbed the brown bag she had brought in. She held it up for Alex with a shy smile.
"This was gonna be a peace offering but it got cold."
Alex wondering what it was opened the bag up then smiled. Looking back at Olivia she reached up to cup her cheek.
"Thank you," Alex said with peck to Olivia's lips. She pulled out a slice of the cold grilled cheese sandwich and took a bite. Olivia watched and wrinkled her nose.
"It's not that bad. Here, have bite," Alex said, mouth full. Olivia shook her head as Alex held up a small piece of bread.
"Uh, no thanks."
Alex shrugged and shoved it into her mouth. Olivia laughed and shook her head. Alex quickly covered her mouth as she tried to hide a yawn, but Olivia gave her a stern look. Looking down at her watch; Olivia was surprised that they were still standing.
"Oh boy, let's get you home." Olivia begun to move them into the main part of the office when Alex shook her head.
"I've got to get started on those motions for tomorrow morning."
Olivia shook her head, "honey, it's almost 1 am. You need to sleep," she said as she started packing up the papers that were scattered all over the place.
Alex tried again, "Olivia, I'm serious. Jack will have my head if I don't get them done. The motions-"
"Will be here tomorrow morning. Come on, I gotta get home and sleep." Olivia grabbed Alex's attaché and held out a hand for Alex. Sighing, Alex placed her hand in Olivia's and the walked out together.
"I hope you know that this won't happen often."
"What? Sleeping?" Olivia asked playfully.
"No. You being macho and getting your own way."
Olivia threw her had back and laughed. Despite the time, she felt more awake the ever.
"Duly noted. Now come on sleeping beauty, let's get you to bed." Alex let herself get dragged through the halls and into the waiting elevator.
Once inside, Olivia and Alex leaned against the wall; Olivia never taking her arm off of Alex's shoulder. Alex leaned into Olivia's strong frame and rested her head against her holder.
There was a lot more to be discussed, but for now, they had this.